Attachment Theory

What is Attachment Theory?

Secure attachment in infancy and childhood lay down the foundations for resilience in later life. But what is secure attachment?

John Bowlby (1907-1990), who developed the Theory of Attachment, was a psychiatrist and psychoanalyst. Combining the work of anthropologists, systemic theorists and behavioural psychologists, his lifelong research was centred on observations of infant/parent interaction.

The quality of the response from a parent when a baby or child expresses fear or anxiety, forms a special bond known as ‘secure attachment’. This occurs when a parent or caregiver protects, comforts and responds to the child. Later in life they are able to draw on this internalised security to manage difficult and stressful situations.

Differing  Domains of Attachment

There are four forms of attachment behaviour which are a guide to the nature and quality of a child’s attachment.

1. Proximity –seeking physical closeness with care giver

2. Secure base –using that person to test out the world

3. Protest -Showing distress when separated

4. Safe haven –turning to the person when threatened  

When these forms of attachment go wrong or do not happen, children can become insecurely attached. This is categorised in 3 main ways 

1. anxious /ambivalent –typically pull / push infant cries for parent ,on return hard to placate and then rejected by infant eg. Pushed away

2. avoidantly attached-appear disinterested and calm outwardly but on ‘high alert’ internally .

3. disorganised attachment-infant has no coping methods for accessing comfort.

Taking Attachment Patterns into Adulthood

The quality of our early attachment influences how we operate as adults and how we choose partners.

When we consider that our partner also has their own attachment history, it only takes a small step to imagine repeating patterns in adult relationships. This can affect intimacy, communication and trust.

In Systemic Therapy we think about childhood patterns of attachment and how they are influencing a relationship. 

Attachment and Parenting

Attachment also affects parenting. As a parent or caregiver you have to move in and out of different roles and on different levels. As a parent you may be providing security to children (care giving) whilst receiving care from your partner.

Sometimes adults replay childhood attachment patterns in order to re work them.

It can be really helpful to think about and understand some of your own patterns from childhood. We all bring our own attachment history to our adult and parenting relationships.  Narratives and stories can be re-authored ,perspectives shared  relationships healed and improved from generation to generation .

Exploring you own Attachment History

If you think any of the issues described may be affecting you or your family and you would benefit from some help and support with this, please get in touch with me.

What are the Indicators your Relationship is in Trouble?

What are the indicators that your relationship is in trouble?

I suppose the obvious answer is when one of you feels it is.

One predictor of a relationship lasting is whether you are able to resolve difficulties in a way that  works for both of you. This can change over time along with changing roles inside (e.g. becoming parents) and outside of the relationship (e.g. work pressures; different influences e.g. friends, family, media etc). In a relationship where you were able to resolve difficulties but now find it more difficult there might be a sudden realisation that you no longer know or understand the person you are with and that ‘something’ has happened almost without you noticing. So what are the early signs we should heed?

You are spending less time together. In busy lives it’s hard to make space for the things you’d like to do. Parents of young children can fall into the trap of taking turns to have ‘time off’ which is fine. If you find that this is prioritised over having time off together or you are finding reasons not to it is a red flag.

• Our values and beliefs have become polarised – our values and beliefs change and evolve over time this can be a point of conflict.

• Communication is difficult, differences no not get resolved but fester, you start to avoid having those important conversations.

• Sex is problematic, physical intimacy is linked to emotional intimacy and can be a barometer of the relationship.

• You enjoy the company of other people more; you seek emotional connections with others that you used to have with your partner.

The End? 

Does this mean the end? Not necessarily, but asking the question is really important as it helps you to start forming what it is that you want from your relationship. This can be seen as an opportunity for an exciting new beginning in which you spend time together thinking about the next stage in your relationship and navigate the journey together.

There is a ‘health warning ‘with any sort of therapy couple therapy is no different –it can be hard to explore some of these issues. Having a safe contained space without blame and in which each voice is heard is important in feeling contained. At the beginning of work (and for a short time)we may agree which subjects that we’ve discussed, stay in the therapy room to avoid repeating usual patterns of escalation and arguments which lead to the familiar ‘hopeless’ feeling . Couples tell me this liberates them from these familiar and circular conversations which feed polarisation in the relationship and gives space for a different focus at home.

Families in all forms

Families in all Forms

What is a family? The answer is whoever you consider to be included in your family. In family therapy when I speak initially to the enquirer I ask, “Who would it be useful for you to bring to the first appointment?” There is sometimes quite a complicated process following this of making a decision .It is sometimes important to meet with the parents and gather some history and make a plan for the work conversely it can be useful to hear all the voices at the first session, there is not ‘a one size fits all’.

How does family therapy help ?

Families come often in times of change and transition, this can be children leaving home, new relationships, step families, bereavement /illness and other issues that require families to adapt and communicate. Communication can get heated, distressing and polarised in families and some space to think through the issues can be very helpful. Often there is one person who is keener on therapy that the rest but that doesn’t mean he others don’t also want change but they may feel stuck or hold less hope that things can improve. Even when sessions feel difficult clients reports following the session’s things are better. The decision to try family therapy is a brave one after all you are probably going to talk about all the things that cause problems or that you try to avoid talking about.

 It’s worth giving it a try even a first session can create change.

I'm worried my son is depressed and anxious

So much is in the news about young people’s mental health and emotional wellbeing. This is a good thing because it's brings the subject to the forefront of our minds and hopefully helps to remove the stigma

One in three of us will be affected at some time in our lives by mental health issues.  With the right help and support most people get better and build resilience. Sometimes resilience is low for a variety of reasons and extra support is needed.

Adolescence is a time of mood variations and real pressures around identity and relationships. If you feel your son's current state is unusual for him, it might be helpful to think about the following things:

• When did you first notice and become worried? Has anyone else noticed?
• Is he able to go to school/college/work every day? Is he seeing friends as usual?
• Has he recently experienced any changes, e.g. leaving school/starting college/changing acadmic subjects/difficulties with friendships/ bereavement etc
• Is he sleeping ok and feeling rested? Is his appetite ok?
• Is he expressing any anxiety?

If the answers you get help you to clarify your concerns, the first step would be to try and talk with him. It’s good to tell him what you’ve noticed and check out how he’s feeling.

If that goes well you could make a plan together to support him, this may be range of different things depending on what he thinks would help.

If you’ve tried and things don't improve it may be time to talk to a professional. This may be a GP or a therapist. Try to talk to your son about getting help, emphasising that help and support is available and necessary. If you are worried about safety or serious self harm it is important to get an urgent GP appointment.

You may also need help and support so as not to feel alone. Trusted friends and family members may be the first people to turn to. If you need more information and guidance contact your GP, a health professional or therapist.

*Young Minds have a free parental support line Mon–Fri 9.30-4pm. Tel 0808 802 5544 www.youngminds.org.uk

Some of the things we know help with depression

• Exercise
• Good sleep/rest habits
• Good diet
• Talking to peers, family, therapist
• Education – there is lots of online help and special apps for depression and anxiety

Making some simple changes has been shown to increase good mental health

Some people find Mindfulness helpful and there is a free phone app called Headspace.

There are also advice and leaflets available at The Royal College of Psychiatrists

If you are worried make an appointment with your GP, if you are concerned about your adolescent's safety get urgent help.

If you would like a discussion on the phone please email me and we can arrange a time to talk